Public Restrooms At The Mall

KELLY VENTURA -- CLERGY COMEDY

I don't like crowds. I don't like people. Well...wait a minute....I do like people. I have a burden for people...I just don't think I have to be AROUND people. I don't like a bunch of people around me especially at the mall.

I don't like the public restrooms there, because when you walk in...nobody makes eye contact...it's like you're in prison. And what is it about public restrooms that turns me into a whistler? I whistle! I never whistle...at all! And yet when I go into the public restroom it's like...the opening theme to the Andy Griffith show! I get so musical...it's like..at any moment Julie Andrews is going to burst in spinnning around and singing!

And everything in the public restroom now is motion controlled. What is that? Do I have to be a member of the sign team to use the facility now? I'm the only one in the mall headed toward the restroom wearing white gloves and carrying a blacklight. "Arise...my love!"

Another reason that I can't use the public restroom in the mall is because there's cameras everywhere in the mall. That guy sits there behind all those screens watching all the cameras...moving them around. It freaks me out.

And when I go into the mall restroom...in my paranoid mind I think that there's like a camera somewhere, and as soon as I close that little door behind me...I've suddenly become a part of like some freakish hidden camera game show. Like a big screen comes down and somewhere in New York there's like a studio audience with a host that says, "We've secretly replaced the toilet paper roller...with a HIDDEN CAMERA! LET'S WATCH THE FUN!" People are calling in to vote...

And I get paranoid when someone else walks in to wash their hands. I want them to know someone else is in here. So I do that little clearing of the throat thing...that like...Animal Kingdom warning thing in the back of my throat. I want them to know they're not alone. I don't want to be privy...to some murder assasination plot. Because that's how it always happens. The bad guys meet in the Men's Restroom and hatch their scheme...and then there's always some idiot in the stall who overhears everything and who they eventually have to kill. That's not how I want to die. In a public restroom at South Coast Plaza.

And I'm paranoid when someone closes the door next to me...you know...what do you say? My insecurity and paranoia compels me to say something! I have to converse. And so the other day someone was in the next little stall and I said..."Nice shoes!" What do you say?

Anyway..that's a glimpse into my paranoid world!

KELLY VENTURA -- CLERGY COMEDY