Friday, July 4, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Public Restrooms At The Mall
I don't like crowds. I don't like people. Well...wait a minute....I do like people. I have a burden for people...I just don't think I have to be AROUND people. I don't like a bunch of people around me especially at the mall.
I don't like the public restrooms there, because when you walk in...nobody makes eye contact...it's like you're in prison. And what is it about public restrooms that turns me into a whistler? I whistle! I never whistle...at all! And yet when I go into the public restroom it's like...the opening theme to the Andy Griffith show! I get so musical...it's like..at any moment Julie Andrews is going to burst in spinnning around and singing!
And everything in the public restroom now is motion controlled. What is that? Do I have to be a member of the sign team to use the facility now? I'm the only one in the mall headed toward the restroom wearing white gloves and carrying a blacklight. "Arise...my love!"
Another reason that I can't use the public restroom in the mall is because there's cameras everywhere in the mall. That guy sits there behind all those screens watching all the cameras...moving them around. It freaks me out.
And when I go into the mall restroom...in my paranoid mind I think that there's like a camera somewhere, and as soon as I close that little door behind me...I've suddenly become a part of like some freakish hidden camera game show. Like a big screen comes down and somewhere in New York there's like a studio audience with a host that says, "We've secretly replaced the toilet paper roller...with a HIDDEN CAMERA! LET'S WATCH THE FUN!" People are calling in to vote...
And I get paranoid when someone else walks in to wash their hands. I want them to know someone else is in here. So I do that little clearing of the throat thing...that like...Animal Kingdom warning thing in the back of my throat. I want them to know they're not alone. I don't want to be privy...to some murder assasination plot. Because that's how it always happens. The bad guys meet in the Men's Restroom and hatch their scheme...and then there's always some idiot in the stall who overhears everything and who they eventually have to kill. That's not how I want to die. In a public restroom at South Coast Plaza.
And I'm paranoid when someone closes the door next to me...you know...what do you say? My insecurity and paranoia compels me to say something! I have to converse. And so the other day someone was in the next little stall and I said..."Nice shoes!" What do you say?
Anyway..that's a glimpse into my paranoid world!
KELLY VENTURA -- CLERGY COMEDY
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Darin Sargent in Denver
This past week, one half of the Clergy Comedy Team was in Denver, CO. for the Revvedup08 meeting. On Friday Darin Sargent did some comedy for a couple of hundred people that showed up for some good times. Here are a few shots of the event. Enjoy.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Why there should be a woman president...
I don't know...it might be me...tell me if I'm wrong...but...
I think that a woman president would be okay. Not saying it’s the answer to the world’s dilemma...Jesus is the answer. (Sing it, Larnell!) Anyway...a woman president would do things different. Face to face negotiations with other countries would take on a whole new level. That ethereal, gossamer, filmy world of female communication.
Can you imagine for a moment how talks with Russian President Putin would go down?
“President Putin...it’s not WHAT you said...IT’S HOW YOU SAID IT!”
Israel would come to the peace talk table...and Mrs. President would be silent. Israeli Prime Minister Olmert would now suddenly become aware of the female tactic: the cold shoulder.
“Mrs. President...how are you today?”
She’s looking at her fingernails.
“What would you like to talk about today?”
“Anything.”
“Where would you like to sit?”
“Anywhere.”
“Mrs. President...what is wrong?”
A glance out the window...followed by the famous word:
“Nothing.”
And every good husband knows...that NOTHING is a SOMETHING! And you better figure out how that nothing that really is a something started out as a nothing but you did something to make that nothing a something, because in reality that something is a nothing but to her the nothing is a something, and she wants you to dicipher what the nothing-something is...OR YOU’RE GOING TO BE NOTHING!
And the bottom line is this:
A woman president would never make a bomb that destroys the world ten times over. She’d make a bomb that makes every male in America feel like a jerk for about three days! Guys showing up on the White House lawn for no reason with flowers and candy shouting: “I’m sorry, dear. You’re right...I was wrong! Hold me!”
I don’t know...it might be me...tell me if I’m wrong...but…
KELLY VENTURA
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED...
Okay...maybe it's me...tell me if I'm wrong...but where do we get some of these phrases that we use? Someone called me on the phone the other day and wanted my advice (if you can imagine that!) on a certain subject. Well...my ego was primed and I gave them an answer. Then, at the end of the conversation they said, "Thanks for letting me pick your brain." WHOAH! Where did we get that phrase? PICK YOUR BRAIN? Did this phrase come out of the National Right To A Labotomy Convention? If there is ever a more stomach turning phrase it's "LET ME PICK YOUR BRAIN." No thank you...I don't need anyone picking through my brain.
Well...this got me to thinking...what about the phrase, "Don't let the cat out of the bag!" Who's putting cats in bags? Is that how we transport our furry feline friends now? I mean, the whole purpose of employing this phrase is to keep someone quiet about something, right? It would seem to me that if you have a cat in a bag...it's something you're not going to be able to keep quiet for long. Of course it would give a whole new spin on the question at the supermarket, "Would you like paper or plastic?"
Again...I'm on a roll...what's with the phrase, "Don't open up that can of worms!" Whose stocking their shelves with cans of worms. I've never seen worms in cans. I mean...is someone out there going, "Hey! Do you realize how hard it is to get those slimey suckers in the cans in the first place? I don't need some fancy know-it-all coming in here and opening up my cans of worms!"
And the last one...(applause!)...what is with the phrase: "Eat your heart out!" What kind of sick, cannibalisitc phrase is this? Eat your heart out? Is there a cannibal family sitting around the dinner table...where Mama Cannibal has just fixed someone for dinner? And Mama Cannibal points her finger and say, "You all eat what's on your plate! And you little Johhny! You eat your heart out! Or no dessert for you!"
